12-30-2003: Aaauuuugh! It hurts and stings!

Fox has finally reached the bottom of the chum barrel. They have already aired every stupid, mind-numbingly idiotic "reality" show imaginable, inducing comas in thousands of viewers, so now they're scraping the stinky mush off the bottom.

Now, they're showing "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance."

Fox News has the story of their next big load of steaming wombat shit. I used to like Fox, back when they had brains in their tiny, tiny little heads. Unfortunately, either lack of oxygen or habitual overdoses of really crappy weed has reduced them to drooling morons, willing to put any crappy show on the air.

Today's AOTD award goes to the brainiacs at Fox, who keep trying to shove crap down our throats. An honorable mention goes to you tards out there that actually watch their pathetic excuses for television.

12-26-2003: Kids are no longer kids, they're wage earners.

In Stamford, Connecticut, USA, a kid was playing on a playground. You know, the kind of behavior we like to see in kids - playing. Well, the fun and games ended when the two-year-old, Konrad Mader, took a header into a railing and cut his head. He required several stitches.

In a normal world, this would be the end of the story. Not so this time - Konrad's mother, Deena Mader, filed claim with the city. She is seeking compensation for medical bills. That's a stretch, but not too out of whack. Oh, and "pain and suffering." This is starting to smell like a money grab. Oh, and a "lost wage amount due to his inability to audition or take modeling or commercial jobs while his head heals", according to the story from CNN.

Excuse me? Lost wages, because a kid was being a kid? Mader is claiming that the railing he whacked was not visible enough, since it was painted green. Oh, please.

OK, you want visible? Fine, we can make it more visible. Here's what I'd like to see the city do: paint the railing hazard yellow for visibility, and erect a ten foot high sign next to it. The sign could read something like "THIS RAILING IS NOW COMPLETELY VISIBLE DUE TO DEENA MADER'S FRIVOLOUS AND COMPLETELY ASSTASTICAL CLAIM AGAINST THE CITY. BE SURE TO THANK HER!" She wants it visible? Fine. Let's just make sure everyone knows WHY it's so damned visible.

Please, let Stamford fight this one, and not just give her an assload of cash. These suits are way way waaaay out of control. Congratulations, Deena Mader, for your Asshat Of The Day award.

12-23-2003: Hit it, hit it, really hard...

Stinkweasel staff is headed south of the border today, down to Yucatan, a state in southern Mexico. A man by the name of Sebastian Cahum Pech was playing with his little brother and sister. He had allowed them to truss him up, and they were going to play "pinata."

No, it didn't sound like a very good idea to us, either.

So, he balanced on a beam and jumped back and forth, trying to avoid their strikes with sticks. Unfortunately, Pech was also tied to the beam by his neck.

According to the story from our friends at cnews, Pech slipped off the beam and hung by his neck until he died of asphyxiation. We didn't see that one coming either.

Why the hell was he tied to the beam by his neck?

So, another posthumous AOTD is bestowed, this time to Sebastian Cahum Pech, who should have noticed the "bad" in that "idea."

12-19-2003: It's kind of sad to award an Asshat Of The Day award posthumously so close to Christmas, but if someone deserves one, well...

Thomas Henry Sykes was doing some traveling down under. Waaayyyyy down under - he was in western Australia, and was attempting to drive several hundred kilometers across the Great Sandy Desert to Alice Springs. That's quite a haul.

He was somewhat prepared - he had eighty liters of water, and a rented vehicle. Unfortunately for him, the four-wheel-drive rental bogged down. Even more unfortunately for him, he set out on foot in 104 degree weather.

And he left the eighty liters of water in the vehicle. Yes, that's right - he didn't take any water with him.

He managed to make it 60 kilometers (about 37 miles) before he was found, but he later died at a remote medical clinic of dehydration. Of dehydration. After leaving eighty liters of water behind.

News.com.au has the story. Today's AOTD is posthumously awarded to Sykes, who left his water behind.

12-18-2003: Why yes, sir, I am rehabilitated.

Ronald A. Mahner was finally getting out of prison. He had just finished his term for drunken driving, along with auto theft and habitually driving without a license.

Four days after his release, he returned to the Seminole County Jail to pick up his personal effects. He was asked for identification, so he provided his driver's license. Unfortunately, due to his previous convictions, his license was permanently revoked. As in, for life.

According to the story from CNN and the Associated Press, the deputy asked him to pull around back to prove that Mahner had indeed been driving with a permanently revoked license. Mahner complied, pulling around back and parking in the fire lane.

While Mahner was inside claiming his personal property, an officer in the Forensics Division called in the car's tags. It turned up stolen. And it was stolen the same day Mahner got out of prison. Mahner was arrested right before he drove off.

Talk about a boomerang effect. Today's Asshat Of The Day award goes to Mahner, who's back in the loving care of the state of Florida.

12-16-2003: And so we begin the tale of Larry and Elizabeth Hentz, a tale of asshats and idiots.

Larry Hentz is a murderer. He's also a habitual offender, and is serving a life sentence in prison in Mississippi. Hentz doesn't really care for the accomodations, so he plans an escape.

Enter Elizabeth Hentz, stage left. Elizabeth was indicted in March for attempting to smuggle the following items into the prison for her husband:

• One whole hacksaw blade
• One broken hacksaw blade
• One long knife
• One bottle of glue
• One glass cutter
• Two bits
• One flexible screwdriver

She should never have been allowed to visit, said a previous corrections commissioner. Also, Larry was placed in medium security rather than maximum security like he should have been. So far, eleven corrections officers are under investigation. One admitted falling asleep while the Hentz's escaped. That particular guard and another have both resigned.

So anyway, back to the stars of our wobbling, squeaking roadshow. The husband and wife team managed to drive halfway across the country to California with stolen license plates. They dyed their hair, and things were looking splendid for them. Hell, it took the corrections officers back in Mississippi seven hours to even notice they were gone, so they made a lot of good distance in that head start.

And then The Stupid Thing happened. While checking into a Motel 6 in San Diego, Elizabeth used their real names. Huh? After all that, she has an attack of the stupids? Unfortunately for the Hentz's, they were already splashed across America's Most Wanted. A task force from San Diego arrested them at the motel last Thursday.

So many potential asshats... We could pick Larry for being a habitual offender. Or we could pick one of the eleven corrections officers, especially the one that fell asleep.

But no, Elizabeth Hentz is so much more deserving. After the smuggling and the stealing and the drive across the country, she gave the desk clerk at a Motel 6 their real names. Enjoy your AOTD award, Elizabeth.

Check out the detailed story in the Clarion-Ledger. There's a lot more to this story, including a missing $100,000 and various other tidbits.

12-13-2003: Hey, waitaminute. Didn't they die last year?

An unnamed German man has been sentenced to three years in jail for what might be one of the stranger fraud cases we've ever heard of. He was convicted of 40 separate counts of fraud for repeatedly declaring his parents dead, and asking for handouts as a result of their "deaths."

He managed to hit up both individual good samaritans and churches to a tune of over $7,000. According to the story from Yahoo and Reuters, his reign of fraud finally came to an end when a potential victim became suspicious of his request.

Just how slimy do you have to be, to declare your parents dead just to beg for money?

Enjoy your Asshat Of The Day award, jackass.

12-11-2003: But did she have "Matrix Revolutions?"

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) is on the prowl - they're looking for illegal copies of movies that are being sold, and they're looking hard. In fact, LAPD Internal Affairs officers recently set up a sting to catch one of their own.

And who did they nab? They nabbed 28-year veteran Julie D. Nelson. Nelson is a decorated patrol captain who has served as the head of the Harbor Division, as well as spearheading the introduction of new investigative techniques for rape and domestic abuse.

Unfortunately, after investigators found hundreds of suspected bootleg DVDs in her home and the home of a friend, and after she sold Cat In The Hat to undercover Internal Affairs officers, she's looking at felony charges of suspicion of possessing and selling counterfeit merchandise and failing to disclose the origin of a recording.

A 28-year veteran, and she's selling bootleg DVDs?

Check out the story in the LA Times. I hate it when a cop goes bad.

12-10-2003: Folks, if you're going to a police station, don't take your drugs with you, mmmmmmkay?

An unnamed 33-year-old man has been arrested in Berlin, Germany, on charges of drug possession. The man had made a voluntary visit to the police to find out if he was on their wanted list or not.

However, it probably wasn't a wise idea to hide a gram of heroin in his ear. Yes, in his ear. An officer noticed it, and he was taken into custody and charged with possession.

This story brought to you by Yahoo and Reuters. Please do not attempt this at home.

12-08-2003: Asshats - riding the Free Ride Line into stupidity...

If you've ever served on jury duty, you may know how inconvenient it may be. You have to excuse yourself from work, and basically do little more than sit and listen for days, maybe even weeks or months. Some juries are sequestered, unable to communicate above a basic level with the outside world. It's an inconvenience, but it's also one of the small prices to pay for the freedom we enjoy and the rights we have.

Imagine having to serve on a jury for six months, however. That's a long time to be removed from your workplace. And that's exactly what happened to Todd Lorin Nelson from Miami - or so he told his boss.

Nelson was summoned for jury duty on April 7th. It was for federal district court, but he ended up not being selected. However, seeing a golden opportunity, he told his supervisor at the county clerk's office of Miami-Dade county that he indeed did have to serve jury duty, and would be unavailible for work.

His supervisor asked for proper documentation, but Nelson never got around to getting it. And time went on...

And on ...

And on ...

Until on October 8th, he finally resigned after yet another request for proof of jury duty. A subsequent investigation and check with the district court showed that he had not served a single day of jury duty.

During his handy little six month "vacation," he took home over $17,000 in salary. He was arrested on December 4th, charged with grand theft and official misconduct. Ooops, grand theft is a felony, I believe.

According to the story in the Miami Herald, he is now out on $10,000 bond. Better get things in order, Nelson - methinks you're going to be out of work for a lot longer than six months.

12-05-2003: Bad priest. Bad!

In the african nation of the Republic of Congo, the citizens have a wide range of religeous beliefs. Much of the nation is remote, and a miriad of tribal superstitions are still upheld.

Many of these superstitions have to do with evil spirits and sorcerers. The fear of sorcerers is real, and a number of "remedies" are availible to ward off evil spells.

Unfortunately, they're hardly medically approved. Take, for example, the anti-sorcery potion that was given to a group of people in late November, in the village of Bosobe. Health officials have begun an investigation, because so far, 64 people have died from it.

And wait till you hear who administered it - a Roman Catholic priest. The best part is what he did when people started getting sick - he fled the village.

The Associated Press and MSNBC have a brief story about the incident. No more details were availible about the priest that ran away, but wherever he is, he's an asshat.

12-04-2003: When I said I wanted mayonnaise, I meant it, dammit!

April 23rd. McDonald's, in south Houston, TX, USA. Waynetta Nolan is in the driveup lane, picking up her lunch. Nolan requested mayonnaise on her cheeseburger, but was informed by the 18-year-old employee that mayonnaise isn't availible for cheeseburgers at McDonald's. That should have been the end of this story.

Instead, Nolan got pissed. The employee encouraged her to pull around and talk to the manager. According to the story from the Houston Chronicle, Nolan swore and threw a cheeseburger back into the driveup window. It was at that point that the manager, Sherry Allen Jenkins, offered Nolan a special order burger with mayonnaise, as she had requested. This should be the new end of this story.

Instead, Nolan complained that her fries had grown cold. I'd like to know how that's the resturant's problem - she was the one making a childish stink about mayonnaise, wasting everyone's time. But, I digress - Jenkins provided fresh, hot french fries. Once she got those, Nolan then demanded a new drink.

The phrase "impossible to please" comes to mind. Jenkins, unable to please Nolan, finally called police and was advised to get Nolan's license plate number. This should really, really be the end of this story.

Instead, when Jenkins stepped into the driveup lane to take the license plate number down, Nolan gunned her car, tossing Jenkins up onto the hood. Jenkins slid off the hood and her body became caught between the wheels of the car, and was dragged across the parking lot. She suffered a broken pelvis. Ouch!

And get this - Nolan then sped out of the parking lot, flew up a one-way street going the wrong way, and drove home! She was arrested after a witness to the assault followed her to her house, and got her license plate number. Kudoes to that good samaritan, because Nolan was recently convicted of felony assault, a crime that could put her away for up to twenty years in prison.

Today's Asshat Of The Day award goes to Nolan, who lost just a teensy tiny little bit of common sense while ordering a cheeseburger.

UPDATE: Nolan was sentenced to ten years in prison.

12-02-2003: Everyone deserves representation? Even the asshats?

George Pavlovsky has a wee bit of a temper. In fact, you might even say it's explosive - back in April, he showed up for work with an attitude. A bad one - he was extremely drunk (according to the story in the Globe and Mail, his blood alcohol content was three times the legal limit to drive), and was packing a handgun and sawed-off shotgun. And he was looking for two senior managers at the Moncton Public Works Operation Centre.

Thankfully, the managers were in meetings and were not to be found in their offices. Pavlovsky stalked around his workplace a bit with workers diving for cover or fleeing, until one of his coworkers disarmed him and the Mounties showed up to arrest him.

Pavlovsky is now serving a two-year sentence for the incident, convicted of carrying a loaded gun for the purpose of committing a crime. I think we all know what that crime was going to be, don't we?

All's well that ends well, right? That's the end of the story, right? Not quite.

You see, the Canadian Union of Public Employees Local 51 wants Pavlovsky to get his job back when he's released from prison. And so does Pavlovsky.

The union chapter says he deserves representation, just like all of their union brothers and sisters. Well, OK, how about representing Pavlovsky's union brothers and sisters that were fleeing for their lives the morning he showed up drunk and loaded for bear? You know, the ones that probably don't want him back at his old job?

Today's AOTD award goes to Pavlovsky for being an asshat, and to the Canadian Union Of Public Employees Local 51 for not having a friggin' clue.

12-01-2003: Beer's sterile, right?

Today, Stinkweasel staff is reporting from Tampa, Florida, home of the Buccaneers NFL team. And we're thirsty for a beer... Or rather, we were thirsty for a beer.

You see, John Angelus Keene was working a concession stand, serving cold brewskies to the football fans. And, he apparently had a nice racket going - a police detective witnessed Keene picking up used beer cups, refilling them, and reselling them to unwary patrons. He even pocketed the extra money!

According to the story on sfgate.com, Keene totalled up a little over $1,000 from selling the cups of beer. Which makes what he did felony grand theft. Oops. Oh, and don't forget nasty. We're normally not squeemish, but that's pretty gross.

So, after a long break, we're honoring Keene with today's Asshat Of The Day award.