Asshat of the day
Today's asshat

05-19-2004: Boy, do we have a treat for you today...

John and Mary O'Hare, of Arden, Glasgow were driving around Scotland in their camper van, or RV. They are retired, and were enjoying their tour's last night at Helensburgh, Dunbartonshire.

"We made sure everything was safe and secure and settled down for the night," said John, in an article in the Daily Record. And safe things were, until a petty thief showed up sometime during the night.

The thief intended to siphon diesel fuel out of their camper's fuel tank. Now, if you are not familiar with the act of siphoning fuel, you need to place a hose in the tank, place your own container on the ground lower than the fuel tank, and create suction in the hose. The fuel will then flow from the tank to your own container. You might get a little in your mouth, but that's to be expected.

However, things go all wrong when you stick the hose in the sewage tank on accident.

Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen, the thief got a mouthful of raw sewage. He or she immediately vomitted and then fled the scene. Upon waking in the morning, the O'Hares found a pile of vomit next to a pool of raw sewage, as well as a bag of coins thought to have been stolen from a vending machine.

So, today's AOTD award goes to the unknown, would-be fuel thief that has likely gone through about 14 tubes of toothpaste and a pound and a half of breath mints, and whose breath still smells like ass. Literally.

Permalink: 05-19-2004

05-13-2004: I try to keep an open mind about the coming election, but every now and again I run across something so pathetic, it makes my teeth ache.

Today, Senator Maria Cantwell's bill to extend unemployment benefits for federal workers failed by one vote. We're talking about over a million unemployed workers here, that have exhausted their benefits.

The bill to help unemployed Americans failed by one vote, in a 59-40 tally. 60 votes were needed to overcome objections about budget guidelines.

One senator wasn't there for the vote.

Any guesses as to who wasn't present?

Senator John Kerry skipped the vote. This is the same senator that is "angry" about the rate of unemployment in the US right now. If he was so angry, one would think he would have cast his vote.

Sure, he's out campaigning. But guess what - he still has a job to do.

I'm not going to say anything more. I don't need to.

Permalink: 05-13-2004

05-05-2004: News Flash: Someone still alive at Stinkweasel. Report at 11.

Law enforcement officials, particularily ones involved in anti-drug operations, have it tough. They have to work leads, infiltrate gangs, and sometimes put their lives on the line just to get "inside." They can spend months, or even years, working a single case to make the big bust. Long hours, divorce, alcoholism, it's all part of the game.

Unless, of course, the criminals are dumb enough to help them out.

Take, for instance, today's asshats: they truly did their part in identifying their house as a methamphetamine lab. Short of a 20' billboard announcing the fact, you can't get much more obvious than a 9600 gallon tank of anhydrous ammonia sitting in the front yard, with a hose running inside the house.

Yes, that's right - they parked a tanker of anhydrous (an incredient in meth) on their front lawn. And ran a hose inside the house. And even better - their neighbors didn't call it in. According to the story from KETV, members of the family do own a legitimate trucking business. However, that didn't seem to fool the cops.

Everyone wave to Michael Jacobsen, the man being charged with methamphetamine possession and intent to deliver, as well as several other charges. I do believe he'll be going away soon enough.

Permalink: 05-05-2004