Napoleon Dynamite was loaned to me by a coworker today. I have been curious, since it has appeared to be such a cult hit, so I was happy to take it home and take it for a spin tonight. My thoughts follow:

Review, part I:I am maybe 20-25 minutes into it, and my eyes are bleeding. My last seventeen hairs have fallen out, and I have contracted pinkeye and explosive diarrhea. I also have a bad case of gas.

Yes, it really is that bad.

As I sit here and type this, I am actually dreading going back into the living room to watch the rest of it. I really do not want to, but I must. Even Resident Evil was better. This abomination should be classified as a war crime.

I will faithfully report back once I finish it. If I am still alive.

Review, part II:I made it through the movie alive.

At 1:10:16 according to the readout on my DVD player, I actually cracked a smile. No, I am not kidding. Unfortunately, that was the only one for the entire movie. Not kidding about that, either.

It was 1:26:48 long. And honestly, it felt like a millenia. As I laid on the couch, I could almost imagine my surroundings building up and eroding away, like the typical "time goes on" sequence from a movie. At one point, I thought I actually saw God, but really it was a tiny blood vessel bursting inside my brain.

I doubt if I could have handled another minute of that feebleminded, afro-wearing, slackjawed mouth-breather.

I honestly wonder if a fifth of tequila could wash the memories of this movie away. In my humble opinion, this movie may very well be the worst production in the history of _all_intelligent_life_. Not just on earth. Anywhere.

This is the anti-movie.