05-30-2003: Today's asshat is the best kind - just some schmuck who did something so incredibly stupid, that you just have to smack your forehead.

Perry Vedder of Philadelphia is/was an armored car guard for Dunbar Armored. He's been there for seven years, so hopefully he knows better.

Oooops! Guess not.

Days after a $400,000+ robbery of Dunbar's vault, Vedder pulls up in a brand spankin' new Corvette. The car is valued at approximately $53,000. And it's brand new. And it's only days after a Really Big Heist(tm). Hmmmmmmmmm...

He was arrested, and has since admitted to the theft. WPVI in Philladelphia brings us the story (WPVI has since removed the story from their site) of "The Guard That Couldn't Say No ... And Was A Potatohead To Boot."

05-29-2003: "I really wish I did now. But now I really do want to rape her."

The above is a quote from none other than Mike Tyson, in a recent interview. Tyson was being interviewed by Greta Van Susteren, and they were discussing the circumstances surrounding his 1992 conviction for the rape of Desiree Washington.

MSNBC brings us the story (since removed from MSNBC's site). You've got to be dumber than a bag full of hammers to say something like that. But then, we all know Mikey isn't exactly a scholar.

05-28-2003: We travel to the big, big state of Texas, USA for today's asshat. Everyone give a big round of applause for Christy Radacy, Asshat Of The Day for May 28th, 2003.

Radacy allegedly stopped her car in the middle of traffic on Highway 199 in Lake Worth, placed her two 22-month-old daughters on the median, and then drove off, abandoning them. Yes, twin 22-month-old girls. Babies, if you will. On the median, in the middle of traffic.

As the Reuters story (the story has since been removed from their site) says, "Drivers immediately stopped to help the toddlers, who were uninjured .." I'd say that's a pretty damned lucky thing for Radacy, who is now wanted for "abandoning and/or endangering a child with the risk of imminent death or injury." If convicted on the two counts, she could spend 30 years in jail.

Endangering children is unforgivable.

05-27-2003: Today's AOTD award goes to the lawmakers in Texas, whom have recently seemingly lost their collective minds.

Two weeks ago, 51 Democrats from the Texas legislature actually fled Texas to Ardmore, Oklahoma to avoid voting on a redistricting bill. Now, I personally don't give a crap what the bill was about or who introduced it - these potatoheads fled their jobs, the jobs the taxpayers are paying them to do.

If I "fled" my job in protest, I doubt I would be welcomed back. In fact, I'd expect to be relieved of my duties.

Nope, they kept their jobs. And now, I run across a story about the lawmakers and the WD-40 company. It seems that a group of these idjits have taken to calling themselves the "WD-40's". As in, the White Democrats over 40. My, how clever. And how incredibly mature for a group of public servants. Read the story - it almost seems as though some of them are trying to relive .. I don't know .. kindergarten? They're making no sense at all to me.

I don't live in Texas, so I don't pay their salaries. But if I did, I'd be urging them to cut down on sniffing paint, and get back to their damned jobs!

05-25-2003: It's pretty rare for me to start surfing in the morning, and upon reading the first news site point to the lead story and say "Holy crap, there's today's asshat!" Well, ladies and germs, it happened today.

Remi Tsolakis, a 30-year-old man from Greece, was somewhat upset about being arrested at the Athens International Airport. Airport officials discovered he had an outstanding jail sentence, so he was nabbed. No sir, Tsolakis didn't care for that at all.

Keep in mind, it was a three month sentence. Pretty minor, although going to jail for any length of time sucks, I'm sure.

Now, what do you suppose Tsolakis did in protest? Did he scream for lawyers or justice or his wife? No. Did he perhaps wrestle with police, forcing them to jab him in the ass with a stun gun and give him a jolt? No, not that one either.

No, Tsolakis pulled his friggin' eyes out of their sockets. I had to read this article several times, to really be sure I had read it right. Yep, he did indeed pull his eyes out of their sockets.

OK. Please bear with me as I add a bit of personal commentary: What the hell kind of stupid son of a bitch pulls his eyes out of their sockets with his bare hands? What the hell was he thinking?!? Did he expect the cops to say "Oh, well, since you pulled your own eyes out and they're dangling and making wet squishy sounds against your cheeks, well, I guess you can go free" ? WTF?

Tsolakis was upset because he didn't have enough money to pay the fine, so he would have to do the time. Well, pulling your eyes out of their sockets, forcing police to take you to the hospital to put them back in sure helped the bottom line, didn't it? Asshat.

05-24-2003: It's a good thing they weren't taller dogs.

For today's asshat, we take you to the town of Straubing, Germany. A 55-year-old woman was out walking her dogs in the forest when she was surprised by a naked man, with his clothes in one hand and his junk in the other.

Instead of whipping out mace or screaming for help, she set her dogs on him. The three pugs took after him, and one of them got a taste of his calf before he finally fled into the trees.

I've said this time and time again - if you're going to flash someone, make sure they aren't walking three dogs! Reuters brings us the story (until they removed it from their site, that is).

05-22-2003: "Whatchoo doin', Craig?" "Downloadin' the porn..."

Former County Manager Craig Greer likes porn. I mean, he really likes porn. In fact, he likes porn so much that he allegedly spent sixty percent of his work hours downloading, catagorizing, and archiving it.

Greer resigned in April over budget differences, and was probably feeling rather good about himself and the $37,000 severance. Until, of course, the computer technician found the twenty-seven thousand pornographic images on Greer's work computer. Ooops.

The NewsObserver had the full story, but have since removed it from their site.

05-21-2003: Be wary of priests wandering around resorts without pants on when visiting the Cleveland, Ohio area.

Monsignor Robert V. Yarnovitz was found wandering around the Sawmill Creek resort where he was attending a conference with thirty other priests. I'm guessing Yarnovitz was the only one walking around without any pants on, however.

Deputies believe that he was drunk, and that he had activated a fire alarm. When deputies and a member of hotel staff moved in to take Yarnovitz into custody, the Monsignor groped and propositioned the two male deputies, as well as the female staff member.

Cleveland.com's Plain Dealer has the full story, including the "found guilty" part.

05-20-2003: Kids misbehave - it's a fact of life. In fact, I think it's a law of nature.

When it happens, parents need to use their common sense. The child needs to be disciplined, but also taught as well.

Taught, not trained. Not trained with a 100,000 volt stun gun.

A charming man by the name of Theodore Moody was convicted of two counts of felony abuse after using the stun gun on his eight-year-old stepson, as well as his eleven-year-old stepdaughter for discipline.

Moody was sentenced to two years in prison, according to the Reuters story (Reuters has since removed the story from their site) detailing the case. I personally hope he serves every day of his sentence.

I'd like to know where natural selection was when Moody was growing up.

05-19-2003: Some times, you just have to get some.

Prison luvvin' takes on a whole new meaning in Maldon, Australia, as two men break into prison to find a little companionship.

The men, in their early twenties, had been drinking and obviously were feeling a little frisky - they broke into a woman's prison hoping they would drive the convicts crazy. Unfortunately, the ladies of Tarrengower Prison didn't seem too impressed, and the men were caught on the grounds.

The Herald Sun had a story about it (which has since been removed).

05-14-2003: Home soon - bear with me.

Every so often, a total psycho needs to get a good AOTD award. Take, for example, Robin E. Lewis from Frederick, Maryland.

Lewis shared a town house with roommate Aaron Smith for ten months. At first, Smith didn't have any problems - Lewis could help out with rent. Unfortunately, Lewis fell behind with rent, and Smith was forced to kick him out in March.

Enter psycho, stage left.

At this point, normal people move out. Total psychos, however, tend to move in. Lewis slipped into the attic crawl space, where he remained for the next six weeks, spying on Smith via baby monitors and a phone tap.

The Houston Chronicle has a very interesting story detailing the entire creepy saga. And as a final touch, Lewis stole Smith's car and later left a note, stating "I will always be watching you."

05-09-2003: Contributing editor Mr. M. gave me a hand today - I haven't been able to keep things updated while on the road this week. Thanks Mr. M!

So, what happens when you mix a fraternity, a swimming pool, belly flops, and dead catfish? Well, if you're talking about Delta Gamma at UC Santa Barbara, you're probably talking about a trip to the hospital.

During a belly flop contest, Delta Gamma member Kevin Sanderson took a catfish to the face during a skit performed by himself and three Sigma Chi brothers. For those of you following along from home that are not familiar with catfish, this species of fish has some pretty nasty spines in their fins.

During their skit, the men were to pummel each other over the head with the dead fish. Spines + face = bad. Read the story for all the details - I can't do it justice.

05-06-2003: Please be patient - I'm on the road, and it's hard to sit in a datacenter all day typing away on a laptop, only to return to my hotel room and update the site - I'll update it when I can.

OK, on to the AOTD award. The United States Patent and Trademark Office has come under heavy criticism in recent years for their willingness to issue patents to just about anyone for anything. "One click shopping"? - you bet! "Hyperlinks"? - they're all over it.

So, what happens when private biotechnology companies attempt to obtain patents on life-threatening viruses, such as SARS? Well, we're not sure yet, but the fact that the USPTO didn't deny the applications amid raucous laughter doesn't bode well for common sense.

But, today's AOTD award isn't destined for the USPTO - I have you fooled. Today's AOTD award is being being given to the U.S. Supreme Court from 1980 that ruled that patents could be awarded for living things. The "living things" includes genes and control sequences, etc etc ad nauseum.

So, thank you, Supreme Court of 1980 - see where the lack of common sense gets us? We now have various government and research institutions submitting patent applications for a deadly virus, trying to keep the information in the public domain, while private biomed firms are doing the same to keep information that may very well save thousands of lives private, so they can capitalize on it.

The Daily Press had a decent story about the patent fights, but has since removed it from their site.

05-05-2003: Your thirteen-year-old daughter just got stung by a bee, and she's deathly allergic. Your husband just had an accident on the farm, and he's losing blood fast. Your seven-month-old baby isn't breathing.

Quiz time - what do you do? If you stay cool and don't panic, you call for emergency help, via 911 as in the United States, 999 in the United Kingdom, or others around the world. You call, and someone on the other end answers, and help is sent. You sob "Hurry hurry hurry HURRY!" as you frantically press a piece of cloth against your loved one's wound, or perform awkward CPR as you wait to hear sirens in the distance.

The sirens come in time. Your loved one is saved, and everything is OK again. It was a scare, but the incredible people that work for the First Responders or the ambulance company or the fire department came through.

What if they hadn't? What if someone, someone like this asshat (unfortunately, Reuters has removed the original story), had actually called emergency services because his wife was busy and wouldn't cook him dinner? What if an operator was delayed just long enough to make the difference between life an death?

I really don't need to say anything more.

05-04-2003: For god's sake, just make the damned call already!

A 14-year-old boy lies in a hospital bed in Los Angeles, dying of cancer. He literally has days to live. And his dying wish is to get a phone call from his hero, Kobe Bryant of the LA Lakers.

A simple phone call.

So, a support group contacted the LA Times, and relayed the request to a sports columnist. The team was contacted, and several days of stupidity ensued. A team representative had to check with the Make A Wish foundation, to see if "the child had exceeded the Laker limit of one meeting per dying child."

The child died days later, never having received his phone call.

The LA Times requires payment for archival copies of its articles, so here is a posting to a BBS about the story. Today's AOTD award goes to whomever within the Lakers' organization that just had to follow procedure so very carefully, that a dying child can't get his wish.

05-03-2003: They're getting more and more spoiled.

For today's AOTD, we travel to Moorestown, New Jersey. A young lady has been honored for her outstanding academic performance, after receiving four A+ grades out of five courses. Her school wants to name her co-valedictorian with two other students. She doesn't like that idea.

So, Blair Hornstine is going to sue.

Yes, I said sue. Yes, she's suing to be the only valedictorian. She's suing for $200,000 in compensatory damages, as well as $2.5 million in punitive damages. Hornstine is claiming that the school has humiliated her. No, really, I'm being serious. You can even read the Boston.com story (the original story has since been removed from boston.com).

Have I mentioned that Hornstine is the daughter of a state Superior Court judge? Oh, and she wants to be a lawyer when she grows up.

You know, our schools have better things to do with their time and money than spend them on legal fees defending themselves against spoiled, whining little bitches who think they deserve oh so much more than they get.

This is the sort of thing that just pisses me off to no end. "Oh, I'm not being recognized nearly as much as I should be! I'm humiliated! I'm suing!" I hope the judge literally laughs her out of court.

05-02-2003: Some very odd things make perfect sense when you're hammered...

Take, for example, swallowing a live fish. You probably wouldn't do that sober, right? But, get a few drinks in you, and perhaps you're ready to step up to the challenge.

Except, unlike this guy, perhaps you'll live.

Todd Poller had spent the day drinking with friends and having a good time, until he got the bright idea to scoop up a live, five inch perch and swallow it whole. Unfortunately for Poller, it didn't go all the way down.

Poller died of asphyxiation. I'm guessing the fish did too. This story is a few years old, but the really dumb ones deserve posthumous AOTD awards.

05-01-2003: As if pop-up and pop-under ads weren't annoying enough...

AdAge has a story (since removed from their site) about Unicast's newest online marketing strategy - full-screen pop-ups.

The ads last 15 seconds, and are approximately 300k. Hate to tell them this, but some people do still use dialup internet access. These are going to suck for them.

The ads fill the computer screen edge-to-edge. I thought pop-ups that brought up a new browser window maximized were annoying - holy crap, these things are going to drive me insane. Unicast wants to enable advertisers to reach their audiences "with the same impact" as TV, the AdAge story reads. Translation: They want a captive audience that can't skip their marketing sewage.

Guess what, asshats - the online community isn't a TV audience. I for one will immediately blackhole any webserver that I get pushed one of these ads from. My desktop is my own, and it's not your marketing playground.