01-29-2004: It's good to be the Sheriff!

Portsmouth, Virginia, USA is a nice, mid-sized (around 100,000 people) southern city, sporting a Naval Shipyard, the Fifth District of the US Coast Guard, and a Naval Hospital. Their web site states "A city known for its warm, southern hospitality."

And so they are - especially for their civil servants! Take, for example, Sheriff Gary Waters. He was clocked driving 57 miles per hour in a 35 MPH zone by one of Portsmouth's policement. Now, we all know what comes next - cop verbally spanks sheriff for approximately 0.45 milliseconds, gives him a nod and a wink, and sends him on his way. Right?

Oh no. No, there is much more asshattedness afoot here, for the policeman smells alcohol on the good Sheriff's breath. Waters admits that he's had "four or five beers."

Keep in mind - a good rule of thumb is, assuming an average-weight male, if you've had 0.5 to 1.0 beers per hour you may very well be over the legal limit, even though you do not feel like it. Waters just admitted that he had "four or five," timeframe unknown.

So, the cop asked the sheriff to take a sobriety test, to which Waters refused to do. Now, in many states, this is reason for arrest straight away - they haul you down to the hospital and have a blood test done to determine your intoxication level. Not in Portsmouth - that's when Waters decided to trump the cop, and call the Chief of Police. Unfortunately, the Chief wasn't availible, but the good Sheriff settled for an assistant. Score one for Waters, zero for Portsmouth and any unlucky citizen he might have mowed down.

At least the cop had the Sheriff get a ride home.

According to the Pilot Online's story, the Sheriff (mind you, an elected official) waited until the local newspaper splashed the story of his incredible arrogance on their pages to issue an apology. Mind you, said Sheriff is also the town's Democratic Party chairman. Oops.

Vote, citizens of Portsmouth, vote like the wind! Just don't vote for today's Asshat Of The Day, Sheriff Gary Waters.

01-27-2004: Take that! And that! And that, you stupid McDonald's!

Ron Gaskill is the manager of a McDonald's resturant in Pleasantville, New Jersey, USA. Gaskill has been working for McDonald's for twelve years, and recently had a run-in with one Michelle Molina.

Molina had pulled into the drive-through lane to order some food. Well, OK, it was a bit more than "some" - she and a man ordered five Happy Meals and three Value Meals. For those of you playing along from home, that's eight meals. At the drive-up window. OK, not so smart so far...

According to the storyM from WNBC, Molina and friend had received some of their food and had pulled out of the drive-through lane just as Gaskill was bringing the rest of the order to them. After a minute, they returned to request a refund because the first batch of food they received had gotten cold. OK, let's recap - eight separate meals in the drive-through.

Gaskill offered coupons good for their next visit - which they soundly rejected with obsceneties, and then a soda, and then two chocolate shakes. Yes, that's right - Molina actually threw a soda and two shakes at him. Throwing food at a McDonald's manager because it got cold, after you're a dumbass? Makes sense to us!

Supposedly, the soda sailed wide, shelling the kitchen. The first shake drilled Gaskill in the chest, while the second shake made the kitchen staff duck a second time.

So, today's Asshat Of The Day, Molina, is being charged with simple assault and criminal mischief. Enjoy your award, Molina!

01-21-2004: "Hello, this is OnStar..."

I'm sure the OnStar operators get some pretty funky calls, but this one has to be in their top ten. For those of you unfamiliar with OnStar, it is a value-added service availible in some car models. It allows people to contact the OnStar service for emergencies, roadside assistance, etc. OnStar can also pinpoint the caller's exact location through the GPS system.

On Monday, January 19th, OnStar got a very odd call: "I just stole this car. I have a gun. I'm going to kill someone." The operators quickly determined that the car had not been reported stolen, and they alerted Minneapolis, Minnesota police to the situation. According to the story from the Pioneer Press, police received another call around the same time - a car had just driven off a cliff at Minnehaha Falls (real name, really).

Police responded to find a Cadillac hung up on a tree, dangling halfway down a 120-foot cliff. Anxious to get the driver out before the car plunged the rest of the way, they descended the cliff to the Cadillac.

And the driver threatened to shoot them, if they came closer.

Let's recap - he called OnStar to tell them he just stole a car, he then took a run at a cliff, and then he threatens to shoot police that are trying to save his dangling ass.

Police finally got him subdued with some pepper spray, and got him taken to the hospital. It would sound like a suicide attempt, but why call OnStar and tell them you're going to kill someone? Why threaten to shoot police officers? Bizarre, man.

And to top of the list of feats by today's AOTD, police believe it was his Cadillac.

01-20-2004: Contributing editor Mr. M is back, bringing us today's winner.

Today's Asshat Of The Day is a special one, one that wants to get her son to school on time. <OMINOUS MUSIC>No Matter What The Cost.</OMINOUS MUSIC>

Stacy L. Taylor was driving her son to school in Poway, California, USA. She had already had a hectic morning - her husband had yelled at her to get their child to school on time, so she was pretty determined to do so.

So, when California Highway Patrol officer Sam Shockley clocked her doing 61 miles per hour in a 45 MPH zone, she pulled over. However, instead of taking her ticket and going, she grabbed his citation book and took off. Something tells me, that does not please CHP officers.

Taylor took off after telling Shockley "I'm not sticking around," with the CHP in hot pursuit. At a red light, she hollered "here's your ticket book" and threw it out of the window. She ran several stop signs and was finally blocked in by Shockley's car at the school.

Her son was allowed to go into the school, but Taylor put a "death grip" on the steering wheel, according to the story from the Monterey Herald. According to that story, she appologized on her way to jail.

I think that appology might have come a couple of minutes too late... Taylor was arrested for investigation of evading arrest and child endangerment. Congratulations, Stacy! Your AOTD award will be waiting for you when you're released.

01-19-2004: Someone grab the axe handles and torches - this is getting stupid.

Some of you may remember Michael Gansas. Gansas is the ferryboat captain in New York that was in charge of the Andrew J. Barberi the day it rammed a pier, killing eleven people. He is also somewhat famous for refusing to cooperate with investigators from both the city and the National Transportation Safety Board. He invoked his constitutional rights to not incriminate himself over fifty times, and also defied a subpeona from the NTSB.

And now, he wants the city of New York to pay his $250,000 in legal fees.

Yes, that's correct - read it again - after he has refused to cooperate, he still wants the city to pick up the tab.

Read the story from the New York Daily News... This guy is friggin' amazing, a real piece of work. Congratulations, Gansas, and welcome to the hallowed ranks of the Asshats.

01-16-2004: We're just going to call this Stupid Robber's Week.

Eugene D. Golden, of Briarwood, West Virginia, USA, had a foolproof plan to rob a bank in Parkersburg, West Virginia. He cleverly covered up the license plate on his car, placed duct tape over any identifying emblems on the vehicle, and headed for the drive-through.

Golden walked up to the drive-through window and fastened a robbery note to the outside of the glass, stating that he would detonate an explosive device if his demands were not met. Shortly after, the tellers gave him a bag containing over $21,000 and he fled in his car.

"Huzzah, it worked," thinks Golden to himself, "Oh wait, I left my robbery note behind!"

And then we went back to the scene of his crime, to retreive the note. After police had already arrived to investigate!

One of the responding officers saw Golden remove the robbery sign from the window, and ordered him to halt. After a short foot chase, he was apprehended attempting to get into his car.

Now, reading over the story from the News and Sentinel, it would have been better for Golden to have removed the note on his way out, the first time. That would have been safest. But, only a true Asshat Of The Day would have gone back for it. Congratulations, Golden!

01-14-2004: I'll shot you, I swear to God I will!

The Hillsborough, North Carolina, USA police were right on top of things on Monday afternoon. They had received a call from the BB&T Bank, stating that a suspicious man had come into the bank, loitered for fifteen minutes, and then left without doing any banking business. Capt. Dexter Davis and Sgt. Brad Whitted responded to the call.

When the officers arrived, a man with a backpack was just walking out as they were walking in. Davis asked for identification and the man produced some.

Davis noticed that the man seemed nervous, so he asked the man very directly if he had a weapon.

According to the story in the Herald-Sun, the man pulled his book bag off his shoulders. "He opened the bag up and held it open to me," Davis said. "I looked down, and there I saw a note that said, 'I want $10,000 in $100 bills. Don't push no buttons, or I'll shot you.'"

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, "I'll shot you."

After Davis and Whitted choked down their urge to laugh, they took the man into custody. In the process, a ten inch butcher knife was discovered. And what do you know - Christopher Alexander Fields was wanted in connection to another bank robbery attempt in Durham. This is the second person that the Hillsborough PD has nabbed in the last month that was wanted in connection with a bank robbery. Go get 'em, boys!

So, Fields is our Asshat Of The Day, for perpetrating what may have been the clumsiest bank robbery attempt of the year.

01-13-2004: Just couldn't wait, could he?

On Saturday, January 10th, Nathaniel Lee Stanley was being released from county jail in Georgia. He had been in the jail for only a few days, on misdemeanor charges of suspended license, expired tags, and a violation of the state's controlled substance laws. His charges were dismissed, and he walked out of the jail a free man early in the morning.

What Stanley did next is just bizarre - he forced himself into a Ford Explorer in the jail's parking lot and sped away. The driver and passenger escaped without injury.

According to the story from Atlanta's WXIA and the Associated Press, Atlanta police are still searching for Stanley. So, I guess he's not a total asshat - it did work. However, to walk straight from the jail to a carjacking in the jail's parking lot takes not only balls, but a certain amount of asshattedness. So, enjoy your AOTD award, Stanley. I'm sure you'll have a jail cell to hang it in soon enough.

01-08-2003: In other news, member of Stinkweasel staff sues hospital in which he was born, claiming brown hair not hereditary, wanted blonde.

Today, we're bringing you the story of the Dumouchel family of West Bend, Wisconsin, USA. Timothy Dumouchel is claiming that cable TV has made him smoke and drink all day, his wife 50 pounds overweight, and his kids lazy. And he is threatening to sue Charter Communications because of it.

According to the story from the Fond Du Lac Reporter, Dumouchel wants "$5000 or three computers, and a lifetime supply of free internet service" from Charter. Supposedly, the family's cable connection remained active for four years after a disconnect order.

Hurrah, free cable! I get about a bazillion spams every day promising the same.

Dumouchel writes in his written complaint: "... the reason I am suing Charter is they did not let me make a decision as to what was best for myself and my family ..." Um. Wrong, asshat. Yes, Charter may have made a mistake and given you free cable for four years, that appears to be true. However, just because you and your family have no self-control does not mean Charter should now give you three computers and lifetime internet service.

In most areas, cable internet service requires at least basic cable service. So, basically, Dumouchel is saying that cable TV has ruined his life, and he wants it to keep right on coming.

Sorry, Dumouchel, Charter Communications isn't responsible for you being fat, lazy, and stupid. Welcome to the hallowed ranks of the Asshats Of The Day.

01-06-2003: Well, those clever and sneaky identity thieves are up to it again...

Michael Broome of Vista, California, USA was doing a little shopping at a Fry's (electronics store) in San Marco, California. He was looking for computers and cameras and all sorts of fun gadgets. He had one problem, however - the clerk at Fry's was being a jackass, and wouldn't return his credit cards.

So, Broome called 911 and a Sheriff's deputy was dispatched.

We at Stinkweasel would like to take this opportunity to mention that if you're using stolen or fraudulent credit cards, you should not call 911 when the clerk won't give them back. Call it a public service announcement.

So, when the deputy arrived, Broome learned that one of the cards had been flagged stolen. The name on the card wasn't the same as the one encoded on the magnetic strip, and they had not been approved via the credit card company.

Broome should have realized he was destined for trouble when Best Buy wouldn't accept them previously. But, he's persistant, and used them at a Fry's in a different area, where they worked. And then, at the Fry's in San Marco, he called 911 to report that the clerk wouldn't give him his fake credit cards back.

According to the story from the San Diego Union-Tribune, Sheriff's deputies seized credit card writers and blank cards from his residence. Big surprise there.

Congratulations, Broome, on your nice shiny Asshat Of The Day award!

01-03-2004: Happy New Years, faithful readers (all three of you)!

Stinkweasel staff is reporting from Chattanooga, Tennessee, USA today, bringing you the tale of Chris Allen Gore.

You see, Gore was celebrating New Years day. Or extremely pissed off - we're not sure. But, I think we can all agree he had an active day.

Apparently, Gore stole a Nissan Sentra. After some police-chase luvvin, he drove that car into a house. Woo, the police get their man! Right? No, not quite - Gore ran off, and forced his way into a second vehicle, fighting with the owner and eventually biting him. The chase is on!

Well, the chase ended up in a parking lot of the local gas station. The second vehicle's right rear tire was shredded, and Gore was still going strong. He approached local reporter Mai Martinez (who just happens to be quite fetching, we might add), and forced his way into her Jeep Cherokee. During the scuffle, Martinez received a few punches as well as a bite on her arm. What's Gore's thing with biting people?

So, in his third stolen car in an hour, Gore took off with a citizen in hot pursuit. According to the Chattanoogan's story, the citizen was talking to police on his cell phone as he gave chase. The chase finally ended as both the police and the citizen apprehended Gore.

OK, let's recap: three stolen cars, two bite victims, and a Gore in the slammer. Congratulations, Gore, you make quite the nice asshat.