08-30-2003: We really, really need to start beating these idiots down.

I have had several stories of asshats calling 911 when they didn't need to, but this one might be the absolute dumbest. It involves barbeque sauce.

McDonald's customer Lula Brown was buying some food at the resturant's Avon, Ohio franchise. She asked for some barbeque sauce for her meal, and was told that it would cost a little extra.

Brown didn't like that. She didn't like having to pay extra for the sauce, she didn't like that this fact wasn't posted, and so she called 911. Why the hell would you call 911 for barbeque sauce?!?

Asshat Brown actually called 911 because the store insisted that she pay extra for barbeque sauce. And, true to their duty, a police car was dispatched. According to the story from WKYC, the officer was not able to help, however.

It should be noted that Avon has only one incoming line for 911. Although nothing did happen, her blinding stupidity could have cost someone dearly. While she was on the phone whining about her precious barbeque sauce and the $0.50 (or whatever) it was going to cost her, someone could have really needed help.

Personally, I think that officer was perfectly justified in taking out his baton and doing a little tapdance on Brown's melon. Enjoy your AOTD award, Brown. And please, for the sake of the human gene pool, please don't reproduce.

08-29-2003: Um. Huh?

Judges have a very tough job. They have to carefully weigh arguments, formulate their opinions on them, and try to follow the letter of the law. However, every now and again, a decision comes out that makes you want to ask if they've spent too much time with their nose in a glue rag.

Take, for example, a recent case in New York City. A cardiologist was accused of opening a female patient's gown and kissing her breasts. Kissing. This is a doctor.

There were very few details in the story from the New York Post, but it sounds pretty simple - the cardiologist either did or did not do the deed. Guilty or not guilty. Pretty cut-n-dried.

Well, until Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Gregory Carro ruled that the pressure to kiss "is nothing more than the friction inevitably produced by the meeting of two skin surfaces during touching." Carro dismissed the case.

Huh?

What does it matter what the pressure to kiss is? Does that have any bearing on the doctor kissing her breasts? What the hell are you smoking?

Today's AOTD award goes to Justice Carro, who dismissed the case after crazy babbling about "kiss pressure."

08-28-2003: It's always the idiots that manage to survive.

Today, Chris Thomas and Michelle Nelson of Longview, Washington, USA are getting married. Congratulations to them!

Unfortunately, Thomas isn't going to be able to give his bride the wedding gift he had intended - he had a 1980 Corvette almost ready to go, it just needed a bit more work. Wow - a 'Vette for a wedding present! That kicks ass.

Well, until today's Asshat Of The Day came along, that is. William Allan Repp Jr. is well-known in Longview, particularily well-known to the town's police force. And Repp just can't seem to get his act straightened out - he stole Thomas' wedding-gift-to-be in the early morning hours.

According to the Longview Daily News Online, police officer Jason Ferriss clocked the stolen 'Vette topping 75 MPH in a 35 MPH zone. Ferriss gave chase, and Repp was outta there. At the end of the chase, they were travelling around 140 MPH.

You see, little did Repp know, but Thomas had been working on the car. It still wasn't street-safe. And one of the Really Important Things(TM) that Repp didn't know was that Thomas had drained the brake fluid. Uh oh.

Repp didn't make the turn at 140 MPH. The beautiful 'Vette sailed 20 feet through the air, and skidded a quarter of a mile before coming to a rest. The 'Vette was a total loss (read the Daily News Online story - they include a picture). Repp was only banged up, and bitten a few times by Reno, a police dog.

Police found the muffler in a tree.

Any bets on whether asshat Repp actually takes the friggin' hint? This is his fourth arrest, and he just survived a 140 MPH crash. It's time to get a real job, and retire from the asshat business.

08-27-2003: Well, um, I guess that's another possibility...

What do you do when a birthday party goes wrong? Say, for instance, if you show up to a go-cart rental track, and all the carts are rented? It kind of ruins the mood, doesn't it?

However, one 34-year-old Pennsylvania woman knew exactly what would perk things up - a strip tease. Keep in mind - this was her son's birthday. Her son and his friends were with her. A strip tease? WTF?

Yes indeed! She packed the boys back into the car, crossed the border into Ohio to buy some beer, and then rented a motel room. After giving the boys the beer and one dollar bills, she began to strip for them, asking them to put the bills in her bra and panties. WTF?

According to the story from WPVI and ABC News (WPVI has since removed the story from their site), the boys were under sixteen years old. WTF?

Needless to say, the unnamed mother is being charged with corruption of minors, indecent assault, and reckless endangerment.

WTF?!?

UPDATE: As usual, The Smoking Gun is there. God bless The Smoking Gun.

08-26-2003: Power corrupts.

Just ask Charles Maestas, a former municipal judge and police officer, from Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA. Maestas was recently convicted of bribery and rape.

What really brings out the asshat in Maestas, however, is how he got the rape charge. You see, he used his position as a judge to coerce female defendants to have sex with him, in exchange for an easier sentence.

In other words, he threw every shred of respect for the bench out the window, nullifying any oath or expectation of respect the public should have for him. He committed one of the vilest crimes against the American public - he broke our trust.

Judge Michael Vigil feels the same way it seems, according to CNN's story (since removed from CNN's site). Vigil sentenced him to nine years (six suspended, unfortunately). Maestas will likely spend most of his time in solitary.

Humans make mistakes, but what Maestas did with his bench is sickening to me. Buhbye, Maestas! Have a nice time in solitary! Asshat.

08-25-2003: Alright, alright, so I've been lazy.

Today's AOTD takes us to lovely Springfield, Missouri, USA. Justin Hastings was a guard at the Greene County Jail. It seems he was also a practical joker (or maybe just a good ole jackass).

Back in 2001, Hastings and another guard decided it would be funny to urinate through a roof grate onto inmates playing basketball below. They did, and they managed to splash four inmates. That's just plain wrong.

Well, according to the AP and sfgate.com, Judge Don Burrell didn't like the two ex-guards' senses of humor either. Hastings is going to spend 15 days behind bars. Scrubbing toilets. And two years probation. And 150 hours community service.

Today's AOTD goes to Hastings and the other unnamed ex-guard, for their blinding stupidity.

08-21-2003: There's drunk. Then there's very drunk. Then there's really drunk. And then there's asshat drunk.

Ernesto Rodriguez Hernandez was asshat drunk. And he wanted to "live more calmly," whatever that means. So, you would think the logical thing to do would be maybe knock off the sauce, or buy a little place out in the country, or maybe take up yoga, right?

Oh no. No no no. That's not Hernandez's idea of calm. Instead, he gave two eleven-year-old boys a razor blade, and convinced them to .. uh .. relieve him of his family jewels. Ie, castration.

WTF.

He even paid them 200 pesos after the first .. uh .. jewel was .. uh .. set free. According to the story from the AP and the San Fransisco Chronicle, things got a little hazy after that - the boys eventually told their parents where the money came from, and Hernandez was hospitalized.

Now that's asshat drunk!

08-20-2003: Well, it's another one of those "casually surfing and all of a sudden, THERE'S THE AOTD!" days.

As most of you know, the northeast section of North America suffered the worst blackout in history this past week. For those of you living under rocks (I'm just going to call you the Rock People from now on), a failure or failures in the Niagara Mohawk power grid caused cascading failures across the entire region, plunging millions into darkness. I can only imagine how much it sucked in New York, with millions of people driving and no traffic signals. Traffic is bad enough without power failure.

So anyway, the power went out. Lotsa cars, no traffic signals, can you say gridlock? In many areas, people just got out of their cars and walked. You would hope city employees would spring into action and help direct traffic. You would hope, anyway.

The New York Post brings us the tale of today's asshat. I tell ya - a picture is worth a thousand words. Or a thousand obsceneties, anyway - a city traffic agent calmly writing parking tickets while a good samaritan directs traffic in the background. A 70-year-old good samaritan. The agent, according to the story, pulled up while Dr. Robert Richter was directing traffic. He allegedly ticketed two cars, got back into his car, and drove off. The agent even passed through the intersection that Richter was directing traffic in.

The city isn't saying anything. There's a surprise. Today's AOTD award goes to that jackass in New York City that pulled a classic "Ain't My Job" during a crisis.

08-19-2003: Stinkweasel staff would like to welcome contributing editor Mr. M back after nearly a month of jury duty and vacation.

Here's some advice for those of you with economy brains - if you're going to be an asshat, leave your children out of it.

Sherrie Leigh Thayer, resident of Marietta, Georgia, attempted to leave a grocery store with approximately sixty dollars worth of stolen goods. Store employees chased after her, eventually grabbing her cart. Somehow, Thayer broke loose and got into her minivan. According to the report from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, she attempted to flee the scene of the crime.

When she tried to drive off, her ten-year-old daughter was pitched out an open door, and was hit by the fleeing vehicle.

Her own mother ran her over with the van, trying to escape from a shoplifting scene.

That's when bystanders got involved - another vehicle blocked her in. She fled on foot, but other bystanders chased her down and held her for police to arrive. She's now being held at $25,000 bond.

Her ten-year-old daughter was taken to an area children's hospital for treatment of internal injuries. Happily, her injuries did not appear to be life-threatening.

Today's AOTD award goes to Thayer, who is damned lucky her little girl is still alive.

08-18-2003: I spent all weekend working on the other bits and pieces of Stinkweasel, so I'm just getting back to the AOTD.

Some people do not enjoy surprises, myself being one of them. I simply do not like them, it's a fact of life. However, when presented with a surprise, it's best to just go along with it.

Unlike today's asshat.

Today, Stinkweasel goes international, heading for Fredrikstad, Norway. A group of friends had decided to throw a surprise party for a man's 40th birthday. However, the man found out about it beforehand, so he decided to have a little fun at the partythrowers expense. Bad idea.

He hid behind a tree with a shotgun. Once he felt the time was right, he fired a round into the air to scare his friends. OK, I'm sure that went according to plan.

However, according to the story from Yahoo and Reuters, he tripped when he came around the tree. The gun discharged again, injuring six of his friends.

Even though I'm sure he feels bad enough about shooting six of his friends, he really does deserve today's Asshat Of The Day award.

08-15-2003: Worse than yesterday, yet another reason not to do heroin and cocaine for two days straight.

For today's Asshat Of The Day, we travel to Longview, Texas. A boyfriend and girlfriend had been doing heroin and cocaine for the past two days, and they were a little wigged out.

When police officers Billy Lee and Mike Harrod arrived, they found the girl bloody from the neck down, and the man was totally naked. The man stated that he was shooting a pornographic movie, hence the lack of clothes. Officers noted that there was no video equipment present.

Keep in mind, the girlfriend's throat was cut.

So, officers tried to take the man into custody. Of course he wouldn't go quietly. He fought, scratching one officer's eyeball and head-butting the other. According to the story in the Longview News-Journal, the man also urinated and defectated on himself and the officers during the scuffle.

Said asshat is in custody, being charged with three different counts of assault. Enjoy your AOTD award, jackass.

08-14-2003: Yet another reason to never drink and drive.

John Vincent Coston of Gallatin, Tennessee, was out for a drive Monday night. He had some beer in the car, and he was probably feeling very little pain. In fact, I'm guessing his vision may have been impaired just a bit.

Why do I say that? Because according to The Tennessean, Coston went to toss a beer can out of the window. It sailed and hit an oncoming State Trooper's windshield. Not good.

The Trooper, Jason Flatt, gave chase. And instead of doing something smart on a hopelessly dumb night, Coston took off and blasted across the border into Kentucky. Unfortunately for him, the car was a rental, and it was traced back to him through the rental records.

He's now looking at four charges, including felony evading. And the funny thing is - even if Coston actually tried to bounce the can off the Trooper's windshield, he's still an asshat. You just don't get much dumber than that.

Enjoy your AOTD award, Coston. You truly deserve it.

08-13-2003: After a short break, the AOTD is back today.

Israel Cervantes and Andrea Coleman were in a little bit of trouble. They had been found in the Ocala National Forest with a gun and some beer. Wildlife officer Danton Jones had heard shots shortly before finding them. FYI, it's illegal to shoot deer from a car.

So, when another conservation officer found a deer shot dead in the area after daybreak, the two drove to Cervantes and Coleman's place to cite them for the illegal kill.

According to the story (since removed from the News-Press site) in the News-Press, the couple denied having illegal venison, and invited the two officers to check in their freezer for stashed meat. Too bad the freezer was where the couple kept their pot.

Their POUND of pot. All of a sudden, they're in a lot more trouble.

Both Cervantes and Coleman are facing a felony count of possession of marijuana, as well as several misdemeanors. Today's AOTD awards go to Cervantes and Coleman, for telling law enforcement officials to search the freezer they kept their pot in.

08-08-2003: But, but, I bought it from the government!

It's your worst nightmare - drug agents find drugs on you or in your car, and you have no idea how they got there, honestly and literally. How does an innocent person convince authorities that the contraband isn't theirs?

Well, as Francisco Rivera and Alfonso Calderon know, it's not always possible. And you might just go to jail for it.

The two men from Tijuana were arrested after they were stopped at a Mexican checkpoint, and authorities found nineteen pounds of pot in their car. The car that they bought from the US government. The two bought the car at a federal auction, where the US government sells off vehicles and property that has been seized for various reasons. As these two men found out, some vehicles belonged to drug smugglers.

They tried to explain the circumstances to the authorities, but were not believed. The US government ignored their pleas, and as the CBS News story states, actually "fought to keep exonerating evidence from their attorneys."

The two spent some time in a Mexican jail, until thankfully, their attorneys proved the dope was in the car before they purchased it. I'm guessing those were two very relieved individuals.

The sad thing, is that this is not an isolated incident - Jose Aguado Cervantes spent three months in jail for the 119 pounds of dope found in his car, bought at a US auction.

Sadly, the government continues to fight for its position tooth-and-nail, saying that it has immunity. Read the story. And then contact your representatives in congress (if you're American, of course), and ask them why their government is allowing innocent people to be prosecuted for buying property from the US government.

08-07-2003: Someone pass the Alka-Selzer. I'm feeling a little queasy.

I'm sure most of you remember James Traficant, the former congressman from Ohio. He was kicked out of congress in 2002, after convictions of tax evasion, racketeering, and bribery.

He's serving eight years in prison.

And he wants to be president.

According to the Associated Press story, Traficant has given his blessing to his supporters to form a panel to explore a White House bid. Has he forgotten he's in prison?!?

According to the US Constitution, Article II, section 4, the President " .. shall be removed from from office on impeachment for, and conviction of, treason, bribery, or other high crimes and misdemeanors." Um. He IS serving time for bribery.

What an asshat. Face it, Traficant, you're a gangsta wannabe. Do your time and shut the hell up.

08-06-2003: We are seeing far too many of these idiots nowadays...

Tammy Denise Swittenburg-Edwards is an idiot.

Swittenburg-Edwards drove to the Smithfield Correctional Institution in Pennsylvania last Saturday afternoon to visit her husband, supposedly. Her husband appears to be one of the inmates.

Unfortunately, when Swittenburg-Edwards showed up, her little three-year-old daughter was not on the inmate's "allowed visitors" list. Both mother and daughter were refused admission, and were turned away. This should have been the end to a very boring story.

Instead of doing something logical, Swittenburg-Edwards took her child out to the car. Now, I know what you're thinking - this is another "child left in a hot car" story, right?

No, this is a "child locked in the hot trunk" story. Swittenburg-Edwards took her three-year-old daughter, and locked her in the trunk of her car. She then returned to the prison, where she was admitted to see her husband.

According to the Philadelphia Inquirer's article, a prison psychologist arrived at the parking lot at approximately 2:00PM, and luckily parked next to Swittenburg-Edwards' car. He heard the little girl crying for her mother from the trunk of the car, and immediately notified the prison control center.

Emergency personnel sprinted to the car, and tried to force entry. As this was going on, prison officials were tracing the license plate to try to find the driver. Rescue crews and ambulances were summoned.

Finally, officials found the driver, one Swittenburg-Edwards, calmly talking to her husband. They got the keys, and released the little girl. Thankfully, she was fine - she had only been locked in the trunk of the car for 40 minutes or so. And in another stunning example of above-average (for a stinkbeetle, perhaps) intelligence, the mother then said "I think we'll just go now," and tried to leave.

I don't think so, and neither did prison officials. Swittenburg-Edwards is being charged with three counts, including child endangerment, and is currently sitting in jail after not making her $25,000 bail.

I absolutely hate to see a family split up, but quite frankly, Swittenburg-Edwards is not able to care for a child. At least she'll be able to join her husband soon, more than likely. And she'll have all sorts of time to enjoy her AOTD award.

08-05-2003: Stinkweasel staff has a real treat for you today, ladies and gentlemen. We'd like to present to you The Most Insensitive American Judge Alive.

Thomas Ragno is an immigration judge that works for the Executive Office for Immigration Revue. Or, at least he does now. His job security appears to be particularily shaky nowadays. Ragno is on paid administrative leave at this time, following a recent incident in his courtroom.

The incident involved a Ugandan woman who was seeking political asylum in the United States, after government soldiers allegedly killed her husband, then raped and tortured her. Her name is Jane, and she is black.

"Jane come here. Me Tarzan!" said Ragno.

Exactly the kind of professionalism we expect from our judges.

According to the story from Fox news, that's not the only sensitive, caring thing he's said in his thirty years on the bench. Take, for example, the time he listened to a Russian couple describe how they found their son. He was tied to a bench with rope, around his neck, dead. Suddenly, Ragno shut off the tape recorder and proclaimed "Lunchtime!" in a "singsongy kind of a tone," according to the chairmain of the New England chapter of the American Immigration Lawyers Association.

How very sympathetic Ragno is. How very professional Ragno is. Read the story, there's more.

Enjoy your Asshat Of The Day award, Ragno. Hope you're not a judge much longer!

08-04-2003: I thought that water tasted a little funny...

City crews have some explaining to do in Cape Coral, Florida. You see, they made a mistake or two while hooking some homes up to the city's water systems.

In fact, they hooked the houses up to the city's wastewater system, rather than their purified water system.

Oooooops.

According to WPVI's article (since removed from their site), it wasn't raw sewage or anything (contrary to the article's sensationalist title). The water had been filtered and chlorinated. In other words, there were no chunks, but it was also not suitable for human consumption. This particular water system is usually fed back into the neighborhoods for irrigation.

The city has done all they can - they've flushed the lines and disinfected them, as well as offered to pony up for any medical expenses incurred by the three affected families (the fourth house affected was not occupied). At least they're admitting it, rather than trying to cover it up or deny the entire thing.

However, I have to award today's AOTD to the city workers that made it possible in the first place, by hooking up the wrong water lines.

08-03-2003: From the "crazy as a loon" department, we present today's Asshat Of The Day, Robin E. Lewis. Lewis is a two-time AOTD - see the previous award.

So, the man that hid himself in an attic for six weeks spying on his ex-roommate is in trouble again. And the really creepy part is why - when asked by a detective what his name was, he replied with his ex-roommate's name. The roommate he had spied on in the past. The roommate he had stolen a vehicle from (might we add, the vehicle has not been recovered). And the roommate whose name Lewis used to get a new job.

The Washington Post has the latest update (since removed from their site) in this tale of madness.

This guy is really creepy. We're giving him another AOTD award for simply being scary, and obsessing over his ex-roommate way too much. And before you try to go Pompei on our asses, Lewis, you had better put on the Kevlar. In the Temple Of The Geek we're armed, and loonies are shot on sight with 00 buckshot.

The detective arrested him on the spot, for unlawful impersonation. Geezus, keep him in jail, please. This guy's a fruitcake.